Survey Says: What Men Are Really Thinking
- Kim Caifano
- Jun 18, 2020
- 7 min read
Updated: Jan 18, 2021

I spent the last several weeks asking real life husbands and dads some intentional questions about their lives. Questions around their roles in the family, their work life, their hopes for the future, their fears, what they love about life, what they struggle with, and more.
Here are some of the top answers. All are anonymous. I hope you enjoy it and I especially hope you glean some takeaways from it. š -Kim
1. I feel the most appreciated when ______.
āI hear thank you for my hard work.ā
āMy efforts are recognized.ā
āI am recognized for the work but in the house and at work by my spouse.ā
āMy wife compliments me since she knows my love language is words of affirmation.ā
āI feel most appreciated when it is verbally communicated to me that I am.ā
āMy wife and kids recognize how much work/thought Iāve put into something and thank me/tell someone else about what Iāve done. Example: If I spend a lot of time/prep into making a meal I love to hear that they enjoyed it or brag about it to someone else.ā
2. I feel the most loved when ______.
āMy wife takes time to hang out with me.ā
āI feel most loved when I am randomly given physical affection or cuddled up in a family sandwich watching a movie I am excited for.ā
āI experience physical touch. Not always sexual.ā
ā[My wife and kids] take a genuine interest in my day/what Iāve been doing. Ask me how my day was, ask me about my golf game, ask be about my trip, etc.ā
āLooks me in the eyes, places her hands on the back of my neck, smiles, and tells me something about me she loves.ā
āShe does something spontaneous for me.ā
3. I feel the most respected when ______.
āMy wife boosts me up in front of her friends.ā
āI am asked for my opinion.ā
āShe comes to me first for insight and help.ā
ā[My wife] asks me for my opinion or a suggestion and then genuinely considers it as an option. They donāt have to choose my idea but donāt ask for my input and then immediately dismiss it.ā
āI feel most respected when my opinion is valued without validation from other people.ā
4. I worry about this ______.
āSucceeding at parenting; providing; our kidsā potential debt as young adults.ā
āMy kids not deciding to follow Jesus OR them ending up lonely. I worry my son will be treated differently because he is black.ā
āI worry about not being the best husband or father at times.ā
āI worry about the future for [our son] and how I can help him become more independent and successful. I worry that he will never āleave the nestā. I worry that he wonāt be able to handle/process rejection (friends, girls, jobs).ā
āProtecting my family.ā
āSpending.ā
5. I wish you grasped that these things are on my mind as much as they are: ______.
āMoney.ā
āSeeking Godās ways.ā
āIntimacy, finances (spending).ā
āHow much I miss spending time with [my wife]. No kids, not at home, not doing errands.ā
āEnsuring that our needs as a family are met.ā
āFuture of our family and what is the next step.ā
6. Here is something I want you to know about my job or work life ______.
āDifficult to play Doc, CEO, Accountant, etc.ā
āI love working for my company but Iām worried that I have plateaued in my career but Iām nervous to make a big leap because of the impact it may have on our family. Worried about failure, worried about needing to move, etc.ā
āThings can be more difficult than I make them out to be.ā
āThere are many knots to untie with customer satisfaction and internal support.ā
āShe may think that my work is all fun but there are days where it is very stressful.ā
āI like to create new things and take risks but not too many risks.ā
7. One thing I love about my wife is ______.
āKind heart and meal prep. Her love of God.ā
āHer drive.ā
āShe is caring and very thoughtful of others...loves GOD.ā
āShe has a huge heart for others.ā
āSheās truly one of the finest people Iāve ever met. Her GENUINE care and concern for others is amazing. In addition to that, she is relentless in pursuing her passion whether that is theatre or ministry or something else.ā
āHer patience and understanding of my son and family.ā
8. One thing I donāt exactly enjoy about my wife is ______.
āHolding grudges, ākeeping a record of weaknesses.āā
āHas a hard time admitting when wrong, āconversationsā can turn to arguments easily...I realize this can be by me as well.ā
āSheās a people pleaser that can take away from our time.ā
āWhen she gets in a āmodeā.ā
āLack of confrontation, except with me.ā
9. A few things I love about our kids are ______.
āThey are goofy like me.ā
āHis independence and comfort that his needs are met and some of his wants every once in a while.ā
āLove of God at a young age.ā
āThey are smarter than I think, they want family time, they want to pray.ā
āLove to be active, are funny, are caring about others...LOVE GOD.ā
āThey are so different. I love when I can connect with [our son] one on one, whether it is over a movie, a meme, or a song. I'm convinced that when [he] decides what he wants to do with his life that it is going to be something I've never heard of. It is not always easy as his parents in his teen years but when we get that occasion where he's enthusiastic about something it's awesome to see him light up. With [our daughter] it is completely different. I love laughing and joking with her because our sense of humor is so similar. I love the way she is such a great balance between creativity and "type A".
10. A few things I struggle with, regarding our kids are: ______.
āMindless silliness, whining, making time for family devotion.ā
āPester each other (I know this is normal), teaching them a healthy lifestyle.ā
āDisciplining and getting them to get along all the time.ā
āRight now I struggle with defiance. I know that the best in me does NOT come out when the kids are argumentative or just flat out refuse to do something. I try my best to keep my emotions even but Iām not always successful.ā
āI struggle with ways to motivate him to challenge himself and do things outside of his element.ā
āPatience.ā
11. I wonder if you realize how much I love this about parenting: ______.
āDoing things with them.ā
āJust chilling.ā
āThe joy and ranges of emotions a child can bring.ā
āBuilding Legos and sports.ā
āObserving them learn through discipline is gratifying.ā
āI love it when the kids make the ārightā decision on their own. Shows me that some of the things that weāve been trying to teach them may be sinking in.ā
12. I wonder if you realize I struggle with this regarding parenting: ______.
āEnjoying things that donāt interest me (as it pertains to the kidsā hobbies).ā
āPatience.ā
āKnowing how to properly react in a heated situation. Many times the disagreements with the kids are between them and [their mom]. When do I jump in? How do I jump in? Am I just adding to the fire? Weāre trying to parent a MUCH different way than I was parented so I donāt have a context to refer back to. Am I doing it right?ā
āFinding enough time to do it well, even when exhausted.ā
āPatience.ā
13. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being immense pressure), the amount of pressure I feel pretty regularly is ______.
3
5
2
6
7
āRegularly is probably a 5. Can flex as high as 8 or 9 depending on things.ā
14. I feel the most relaxed when ______.
āThe end of a work week, I eat a big meal and I get a drink.ā
āKids are asleep, I am enjoying soulful music.ā
āI can enjoy something without feeling time constraints.ā
āIām outside in nature.ā
āI know I have a few days of vacation planned and can unplug.ā
āIām in Glen Lake with my family.ā
15. Regarding my family life, I like it when ______.
āWhen we can watch and enjoy a movie together or are together as a big family.ā
āWe are on the same page and communicate.ā
āWe laugh together and show affection.ā
āWe ALL do something together. Often it is a divide and conquer approach but love when we can plan to do something together.ā
āWe are outside together.ā
āWe can all be together and there is no complaining. (rareā¦:))ā
16. Regarding our intimacy, ______.
āSheās amazing.ā
āIt is not frequent enough, but not my wifeās fault.ā
āI wish it was more frequent and SPONTANEOUS/not initiated by me, and the feeling that because it has been a while she will reluctantly participate.ā
āI enjoy it especially when sheās into it.ā
āI think that when we are intimate it is better than it has ever been. More please.ā
17. If I could plan a weekend with no judgement from anybody, and no costs prohibited, I would ______ with ______.
āI would travel with my family.ā
āMy first answer is that anytime I can get alone with [my wife] is my absolute favorite time. So if Iām going with that option- Iād love an all inclusive vacation somewhere warm. Mexico, Hawaii, Australia, etc. BUT Iāve also always wanted to take a REAL guys golf trip to someplace amazing- Bandon Dunes, Pebble, Myrtle Beach, etc. So there you go.ā
āI would rent a beach house in the Florida panhandle and have all my family and friends over.ā
āI would see live music and golf with my brother and two great friends.ā
āI would golf with friends.ā
āI would go jet skiing on an island with my family.ā
18. I like it when you compliment me on ______.
āAnything.ā
āLeading our family.ā
āMy character.ā
āBeing an active parent with the kids.ā
āMy appearance.ā
āMy provision and spiritual leadership.ā
19. I hope you see this strength of mine: ______.
āMy foresight and vision for our future.ā
āI know how to get things done. I may not always get it right the first time but Iāll keep at it until I do.ā
āConstant drive to improve myself and our future.ā
āLeadership.ā
āTrying to live a Christian life.ā
20. For the record, ______.
āI love my wife and should tell her more. And my kids :)ā
āI want to lead more in the home but I am not a good planner, but my wife is a planner. That is great but it can smother my ability to lead. Last, I love my wife appreciate her but realize holding in my affection is really stupid on my behalf. She needs to hear it and deserves to hear it from her husband.ā
āI LOVE HER.ā
āThis was a good exercise. I appreciate being included. Iām thankful for my wife and my family. I know that we are not perfect and that we have challenges but I wouldnāt trade with anyone.ā
āI ran a 4:33 mile.ā
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